4 Tips to Nurture Child Resiliency During Divorce
One common reason that people seek treatment/therapy is because they are having difficulty with adjustment. An adjustment disorder, in sum, is when one has trouble coping with a stressful life event. Such events can include the loss of a loved one, uncovering a significant health issue, being laid off of work, or the end of a meaningful relationship. Although all people will experience stressful situations throughout their lifetime, some may encounter more difficulty coping with stressors.
Children and adolescents experience distress as well. For example, youth may face stress related to family conflict, problems in school, or anxiety over sexuality. I have worked with a number of children and adolescents who have had difficulty managing their feelings about their parents’ separation or divorce. Likewise, I have provided support to many parents who have expressed guilt about how their choice to separate or divorce has impacted their children. Regardless of how good-natured the separation, divorce brings a major change to a child’s life. It often means the absence of one parent while residing with the other. So, it is not uncommon for children to feel sad, angry, confused, or even frightened, while they adjust to the norms and expectations of the separate households.
Children exposed to parental conflict during their parents’ separation may experience additional behavioral or emotional problems. The parents’ negative behaviors can leave a child feeling emotionally or physically insecure. These children may view their environment as unpredictable or uncontrollable. They may be at increased risk of conduct disorders, poor academic performance, dysfunctional interpersonal relationships, and alcohol or substance abuse related issues. While some children tend to act out, others may experience internalized symptoms, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, guilt or shame.
That being said, I thought it would be helpful to provide some suggestions on healthy divorce behaviors. Below are some steps that parents can take to increase resiliency and reduce the likelihood of emotional damage, as children adjust to their parents’ separation.
1) Both parents should discuss the divorce with the children. It is important that a child have an opportunity to speak with each parent about how the child’s life will be impacted by the divorce. The child should be encouraged to speak openly about his/her concerns, separate from the thoughts and feelings of the parents. Best practice would be to speak with the children together to ensure consistent messages, though this may not be reasonable if there is significant conflict in the marriage.
2) Avoid negative talk about the other parent. Children should be encouraged to have healthy relationships with both parents. Parents should refrain from making derogatory comments about the other in front of the children.
3) Avoid details about the nature of the divorce. While children are perceptive and often recognize when their parents stop getting along, they do not need to know the particular circumstances prompting their parents’ separation. Instead, children need to be reassured that they are loved and that their relationships with each parent will continue.
4) Consider marital counseling. Marital counseling does not only have to be aimed at repairing a relationship, it can be useful in navigating a successful separation. In treatment, parents can discuss what coparenting will look like. Therapy is a safe space for parents to discuss the responsibilities of parenting from separate households while keeping children out of the middle as they negotiate custody, visitation, child support or other sensitive matters.